I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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