That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
