i just wanna soil my oats bro
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
