Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
