i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
