I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
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