oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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