i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
