This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
