two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
