I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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