you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
