Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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