Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
