Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
