I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
