My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
