You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
