Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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