i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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