dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize