dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
