His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Randomize
