me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
