We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
