i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
