my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
