His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
