When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
