Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
