It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
3pm strippers are depressing
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
