i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize