Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
