I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize