I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
