his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
