that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize