It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
