you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
