Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Sorry my hands just texted you
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Randomize
