soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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