you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
