my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
She bit a glass in half.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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