I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
i need some magic done to my vagina
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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