i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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