everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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