I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
