Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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