bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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