i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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