I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
bring money and cleavage
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Randomize
