I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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