I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
