Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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