First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
