did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i was born a porn star she said
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
