I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
