please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
we should paint friendship bongs
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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