I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
