Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
