if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
